I miss "her"...

So the other day I was talking to Josh and I told him that I miss my sister, Beth. He said aww, I miss my sisters too. Not exactly what I meant, but I didn't feel like trying to explain it to him right then. Afraid that in the process even more emotions would come to the surface and I would start to cry. So today then I was talking to him and was telling him that I didn't want Beth to come over tonight because I don't wanna see her. I think he was a little confused. So Josh here is your answer, I promise no crying :) So I obviously don't mean I miss Beth like a normally person misses their family or close friends. I mean I miss the real her. I've also mentioned before that Beth has problem with drugs. By the real her I mean one who is completely clean and acts pretty much like a normal person. Of course not only the drugs have affected her. Her boyfriend Matt as well has changed her, and now keeping her from going back to the normal Beth (That's why I don't like him). It's been about three years since she's been completely clean and herself. Three years is a long time to not see someone, but it seems even longer when you that person is right but really isn't. There's a quote that says: "I don't know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. It's like we're scared to lose what we really don't even have. Some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all." I realized a while ago that I was holding on to the idea of having a sister, but I really only had her halfway, and I realized that I needed to let go because in the end it was just hurting me. So right now I only really have one sister, but I do miss my Bethy. I know one day I'll have her back, but right now all I can do is miss "her".