Why. Just why.

I love having mental break downs about how I don't have a social life because I don't have any plans for tonight. All my friends that would hang out with me live to far away for a school night. All my friends around where I live already have plans and no one invited me. Jenna (who I thought was my best friend not so sure anymore) knows this and is just like sucks to suck, and is ditching me to go to our other friends house, when we've hung out together on Halloween the past two years. All this is just freaking magnified because I'm pmsing again because my stupid period can't decide when to come, and just ends up putting me through hell for half the month. OH and I have a butt load of school work because I missed almost the whole week last week after my surgery, and midterms are next week. FML.

The Truth Comes Out.

Jenna and I, I thought were always great friends. Sure, we have our stupid little fights that happen like every good friendship, and we don't always get along. But I thought that we were good. We talked about being friends for life and being in each other's weddings and all that stuff. Turns out not quite as good of friends as I thought. Found out that she broke up with her boyfriend and didn't even say anything to me. Nothing. Won't even tell me know. I had to ask about it. Still won't tell me. Won't even talk to me. I've had people that I would say I'm not quite as close with text and/or call me and be like Kate...I think I'm gonna break up with my boyfriend.... Or my other best friend called me as soon as her and her boyfriend broke up. Like within minutes. But from Jenna. Nothing. I guess I can truly see now how she views our relationship.

The Magic of Possible Memories

Have you ever had those moments where you are watching a movie or listening to a song, and they are just having one of those picture perfect moments. If it's movie then it's the point in the movie when the music is playing, no one is talking, and everything's perfect, and you think how fun and great it would be to have those moments happen to you? It happens it me all the time! I sit there and imagine what it would be like and the possibility of it happening is so exciting. I sit there and smile and my mom if she's there she laughs at me. Call me crazy but I like sitting there and watching the possibility of those memories unfold in front of me.

A different kind of connection.

Just because we don't grind, or don't make out (yet), or do any of those sorts doesn't mean we don't have a good relationship. My friend asked me what's the point of Josh and I even dating if we don't do those kind of things, isn't it just like having him as a bestfriend then? Yeah he is my best friend, but he is more than that. Much more than that. The type of connection we have is more than a physical one. And we do still have a physical one (that's an important part of any relationship) but that's not the only way we show each other that we care. He makes me so unbelievable happy with words and little actions or gestures. I've never been this happy before in a relationship, and yet we've only kissed. I would say I am happier than a most of my friends, even those who have a relationship. Josh and I have a different kind of connection, one that when we get to the physical stuff, it will be so much better ;)

Every girls dream.

Almost every girl has that list of things she wants to do with a guy, and I am no exception. In fact mine is pretty long :)

Kissed in the pouring rain
Have a bonfire just me and him
Star gazing in the middle of a big open field
Walk on the beach at sunset
Take a walk in the woods in the middle of fall
Go sledding
Watch the clouds in a big open field
Be kissed on New Years 
Playing in leaves
Have a snowball fight
Go on a road trip, anywhere
Be kissed under mistletoe on Christmas Eve/Christmas day
Go tubing on a river
Kissed in the snow
Have a water balloon fight
Dance in the rain
Go on a bike ride
Wash a car
Take a walk while its snowing just me and him
Watch a chick flick on a rainy day together

Pretty awesome list if you ask me, and I'm only 16 so I got a while to do it all :)

You set the bar so high.

I finally have someone who will listen. Someone who will be there for me when I need them, and will always take my side. Will make me feel better in seconds, if I just let them know. But I can't. They are so strong, how could I possible show them how weak I am. They never cry, how can I tell them I'm crying over something that shouldn't matter. Something thats old news or trivial. I already have a hard time showing people I'm hurt so how can I possibly do that when they set the bar so high. I've never had someone so strong in my life.

A Randy moment...

Randy: "When my phone loses signal, I go all Lion King on it."

Red.

I've been listening to some of the new songs Taylor Swift has released, one of them being the song Red. At first I was just listening to it. Then I started to listen to the lyrics, and it made me sad because it reminded me of the pain of losing a guy when you love him. Then after listening to it for a while I realized it defined one of my past relationships.
Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind
Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all
Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met
But loving him was red
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Loving him was red
Burning red
Of course the end of the song doesn't apply to me at all. I got over him a long time ago, and we are just friends now. That "burning red" has now turned into a fant glow far back in my memory. I just thought that song was a good way to describe my first love. Red.

Behind the Glass.

I am not one of those people who holds their emotions in. I'm not strong enough for that. I'm not one of those people who doesn't cry. I cry. But I don't let people see my emotions when they come out. I don't let people see me cry. I let people see only what they want to see. I hide behind this wall because in my mind being sad or upset is a weakness. I hide behide the perfect surface of the glass and hope no one can see beyond the image in the mirror.

It all depends on how you look at it.

A lot of people look at life as something with good times and bad times, and they think that life sucks when they are having bad times. They think life is suppose to be a happy fairytale, like in the movies. I mean think about it. Thats how movies betray life. Its suppose to be happy. But.... Someone once told me thats not life. Life is suppose to be hard, its suppose to really just suck sometimes. Its suppose to be riddled with trails. They are what helps us grow. Those moments, when you thought life could just not go on. Those are the moments that have made us who we are. I wouldn't trade any single painful  memory. Sure who wants to have that, it sucks. But I don't know who I would be without just one of them, and I honestly don't want to find out. And those sometimes rare happy moments, each one is a gift. This look on life might seem pessimistic. But I dont know about you but I rather look at life as the normality with good moments then the normality with bad ones.

Innocent love

A quote from my man!

Cash (my nephew) said to Heidi (my niece) "I am BIG! I am a cyclops with two eyes!"

Fearless.

I have tried to relate the song Fearless by Taylor Swift to a lot of guys, but it never quite fit. But it fits perfectly for Josh :) I would dance in a storm in my best dress with him and not have a care in the world. Our first kiss. . . . flawless, really something, for the first time it was actually fearless. I don't know how it gets better than this. He make's me fearless :)

I like to be originally...

So with alllll the health problems going on in my family, I like to be originally and pick my own thing. I found out on Friday that I need to get surgery on my right ear, because my ear drum is punctured. The hole is in a spot where it is affecting my hearing; it's been there for a while so I haven't really noticed. This will be my third surgery on my right ear. When I was little I had two sets of tubes (they think that's what caused the hole). It's going to be an hour surgery. They are going to take a piece of tissue from another place on my right ear and then cut my ear drum open and place it in (in simple terms haha). I'll stay home from school the day following the surgery. The thing I'm most excited for is the fact that after this I will be able to swim without having my ear hurting :)

So. . .?

I was talking to a friend of mine, and they were asking me about my sisters, and how they are doing. I said they are doing good everything considered. Then they specifically asked about Beth. I said I don't really talk to her. They were like "aww :( " and I replied: "It's whatever. There's no point having a relationship with her because I'm only going to get hurt." They response. . . but she's your sister. . . .
So? If she's my sister then why would she have put our family through everything she did? It was her choice. When she wants to change I'll be right here for her, but till then I'm not bothering. Insanity has been described as doing something over again and expecting different results. That's what I would be doing if I tried to have a normal relationship with Beth. I know that because of where she is in her life, if I try to have a normal relationship with her that I'm just going to get hurt. So why keep trying when she clearly doesn't care about our relationship right now?